If you’re like most maxed-out entrepreneurs I know, your mental and emotional well-being is regularly challenged by a million to-do’s, have-to’s, and will-you-pleeeeease’s.
And with additional pressure from the holidays, you may be on a fast track to burn-out. That’s not a great way to begin the new year.
To keep the crazies to a minimum in my life and business, I’ve employed the use of a Magic Word.
This word changes everything.
Priorities come into focus. Difficult people fade into the background. I even find time for a midday goof-off game of Letterpress.
If you could use a little more mental and emotional peace and a little less chaos, today’s post is going to get you on the right track.
How I Was Forced into Using the Magic Word
Earlier this year I was mentioned in an ebook by Marie Forleo. She referenced a little secret I prefer to keep under wraps:
I don’t work very much. At least not compared to most entrepreneurs.
It’s true. I strive to maintain extra space in my life, though some days I certainly succeed at it better than others.
Once this book (and my secret) was out, I got a ton of emails from people asking things like:
“I just read about you in Marie’s book, and I’d love to know how you manage your schedule. Can we got on the phone so I can pick your brain for awhile?”
It was a strange and uncomfortable position to be in. I appreciated that these people wanted to hear about my experience (talk about flattering!), but did I really have time to hop on the phone with everyone who asked?
Enter the Magic Word
The answer (and the Magic Word), of course, was no. I love you, and I want to help you, but no.
Not that I didn’t want to help these people–I did. I love helping others create the business they want. It’s that I love my free time, my space, and my freedom even more.
And since having free time is extremely important to me, I have to set boundaries. While I truly love helping people, I can’t do it every single time someone asks.
Though sometimes hard to say, the Magic Word really does save the day.
Why I Use It
When I detect that push-pull feeling of wanting to help and simultaneously run like hell in the opposite direction, it’s my reminder to focus on what is most important to me.
In essence, the Magic Word brings me back to what I value.
When you’re clear on your desires and goals for your life and business, it’s easier to determine when you should say yes and when the answer should be no. Tweet that!
You are likely, as your business grows, going to get requests for interviews, articles, and free advice. One I get all the time is is, “Can we chat?”
At first, you might feel extremely uncomfortable saying no. But eventually, you will find a way of declining requests that’s in full alignment with what’s important to you (and doesn’t feel rude or cruel).
Yes, you really can say the Magic Word and not feel icky about it. Here’s what I do.
How I Learned to Give an Oh-So-Loving-No
When I was inundated with emails about my work schedule, I started to get upset and knew that I’d be not-as-nice-as-I-like-to-be in my replies. So I asked for help in drafting a respectful, polite, gently-worded email to use whenever someone asks for my time for free.
I was able to explain why I can’t fit it in my schedule, but if they want to work with me one-on-one, they’re welcome to check out my coaching packages. I also invited them to head over to my Facebook page to post their question.
You, too, are always welcome to ask questions on my Facebook page. I will do my best to answer them within a few days of your post.
Is it Time for You to Use the Magic Word?
Does the Magic Word sound like something you need to get put into action? Not sure where or how to begin?
Start here.
Magic Word Application #1: Ask yourself, “What am I currently doing that I don’t want to do? How can I get out of it?”
Notice I didn’t say, “Can you get out of it?” I said, “How can you get out of it?”
Be clear that you must part ways with this soul-sucking activity. Find a way exit gracefully and with a full heart, so you feel good about taking care of yourself.
Magic Word Application #2: Ask yourself, “What do people request that I have a hard time saying no to, regardless of how annoyed I feel?”
What do you not enjoy but say yes to anyway? Pay attention to where you notice that push-pull feeling I mentioned earlier.
Consider what you can do to help yourself say “no” next time that request comes up. Is it a politely-worded email or something else? Put that in place so you can easily employ it when needed
Use the Magic Word Frequently
“No” is such a small word, but when you use it to stay in line with your values, it can work miracles for your time management and your mental and emotional well-being.
Now it’s your turn. Tell me…
Where do you need to say the Magic Word more in your life or business?
If you already use the Magic Word, where, when and how do you use it?
We can all learn from your experiences, so please post your thoughts in the comments below.
I’ve always been pretty good at saying no, but it’s hard when people refuse to hear it.
I’ve said no a thousand times or more to my husband about certain things (like doing 100% of the housework), but he won’t listen.
I also need to get better at saying no to doing free readings for people…
Love this Jenny- I could have used the reminder yesterday when i committed to help plan the school fundraiser- AGAIN.. maybe i can take back my yes with a nice no.. hmmmm
i will at least use it in the near future to clear more space to say YES to things i love..
xo
You can absolutely back off. Two ideas on how to do it.
1. “Hey organizer person. I just realized that I’m totally overcommitted right now and just can’t help with the school fundraiser this year. I really wished I could have but I’m going to have to pass this time. Best of luck and I promise I’ll help [something you can commit to, like being at the car wash from 12-4 or donating $100 or whatever].”
2. “Hey organizer person. I just realized that I’m totally overcommitted right now and just can’t help with the school fundraiser in the capacity I thought I could. But I do want to help, so what I can do is [something you feel good about doing and know they need help with — but smaller than your current commitment].”
You can do this, Danielle! 🙂
I learned a while back, that saying yes out of obligation created bad vibes for both me and the person I was saying yes to. That obligation also created a “debt” in my mind that also often showed up in my bank account. These days, if it isn’t a “HELL YES, I”M so excited about it”…. then it is usually a NO. Thanks for the reminder.
Good one! It does send bad vibes through the air to say yes when you don’t want to. Resentment is never a good idea.
Thanks for throwing that one in there!
Yes! Exactly this. Thank you for putting that out there.
I think we’re so programmed to please that we can often turn into little YES factories. I love that you talk about your boundaries and the value you place on free time – I see now that valuing the same for myself is okay.
Another thing that comes up (that I’ve written about a bit too) is that by saying no to things & people, you are consciously saying yes to what you want more of: freedom, space, time to spend in service to yourself and your big projects.
Great reminder, Jenny, thanks!
Love that: “Yes factories!”
It’s true that saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. Reminds me of one Bryon Katie’s sayings: “A no to you is a yes to me.”
I love the idea to send them over to your facebook page! Genius.
Happy Holidays Jenny – enjoy your time and space!
Caryn
Such a powerful magic word Jenny!
Earlier this fall during a conversation about being completely overwhelmed with life and business my mom reminded me that “Saying YES to everyone else is actually saying NO to yourself.” Wist words! Been working on embracing NO and I appreciate your tips.
You got it! Same as Sara (and Byron Katie), just looking at it from the other direction.
I’m smiling at the thought: Don’t you deserve more YES’s in your life? Start saying NO!
I look forward to your newsletter each Wed. since you seem to know what is going on with me…are you certain you aren’t secretly watching me and reading my mind? Just kidding!
I love the word “no” and do not effectively use it. Where I get stopped is when what I want and what someone else wants seems to me like well, I should, what’s wrong with me, couldn’t I be more generous? Then it becomes push/pull with me. After reading what you have to say about “no” today, I am taking a new stand…no, is no and I can add thank you for asking me or something more gracious than NO!
Jenny, I wish you a very peaceful and bright holiday season.
Love,
Susan
You didn’t know that I plugged into your brain each week when I wrote my post, Susan?! 🙂
Your comment and Linda’s above reminds me of a great resource you could check out. A book by Christel Nani called Sacred Choices. She talks about “apology energy.” Where are you (energetically) apologetic about saying no or asking for what you want. People don’t respond to NOs very well when they come with apology energy attached. They do, however, respect NOs that come from the confident place where you’re thinking “I deserve to take good care of myself so I’m saying no and I can feel good about it.” And even if the other person doesn’t like your NO, you won’t care because you’re lined up with what’s true for you.
Always glad to have you here, Susan!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately too. I struggle with how much to give to other professionals in hopes it will lead to referral partnerships (I’m mostly referral based). However, when I allow people to pick my brain for an hour, I leave many of those times feeling used because I get nothing out of it (I may at some point). Don’t get me wrong, I get the satisfaction of knowing I was able to help them. I’m just not sure if it’s wise to use my time this way. I’m finding these requests coming more often as I’m one of the first in my niche and find many are looking to me. So, I’m considering adding a one hour consultation to my services, but at the same time I don’t want this to get in the way of building strategic referral partnerships.
Ohhhh, definitely say no to free brain picking for an hour, or even 15 minutes! That’s never good for boundary setting!
One thing that I learned recently was how to be helpful, of service, and supportive of others AND hold good boundaries. I can help people all day long in a capacity that destroys my energy or one that supports it. It’s up to me. Hence, the suggestion for people to head over to Facebook. 🙂 (Those also become future blog posts!)
When we give-give-give with the hopes of getting in return, it doesn’t often work out that way. See where you can give in a way that feels good, regardless of a potential return. I find that helps me say NO more easily because I’m saying YES to things that feel right.
Hi Jenny,
That’s it…you nailed it. I am apologetic instead of being clear that the “no” is right for me. AHA! Thank you!
I wish blog comments came with “Like” buttons because I’d click it here 🙂
I’m TERRIBLE at saying no 🙂
But I’m getting better – just the other day a client asked if they could switch their appointment time which would have totally screwed up my plans. I said no. It felt scary but awesome.
This is such a timely post too as I just got an email from a health and wellness website asking if I’ll do guest posts for them. Although it would be good exposure I just don’t get the best vibe from them. So I think I may just say no 🙂
Thanks Jenny!
Yay to saying no, Jenna! Little steps at a time is great. Knowing your boundaries is great!
The great thing is that the better you are at setting those boundaries, the bigger your business grows. I don’t totally understand the energetics of it, but I think it has to do with owning your time and energy — and when you do, it lifts your business up to a new level.
Keep up the no’s!
Funny how such a small word elicits such powerful reactions, as evidenced by those who precede me in the comments on this very blog!
One thing that I find fascinating is the distinct difference between men and women with regard to saying no. In my experience and vast self-education on the subject women tend to be people pleasers. We’re caretakers, comforters, and most interestingly “good girls” (the root of the problem). As a society we condition our girls to become women who put the needs of those around us ahead of ourselves. Little boys are rewarded for speaking up and communicating boundaries. Little girls are chastised for the same. Understanding the root of the issue helps us to really tackle it head on.
I’m a firm believer that when you know better you do better. It’s time to do better.
The point you made about creating and holding to boundaries that allow you to serve at your highest is of particular importance. If I, or any other gal, is struggling with drawing the line in the sand they can simply reframe the situation. Reframe it as: By allowing your personal boundary to be violated with this person you are not at your best to serve the others who need you. That way you are focusing on those who you want to serve fully (positive) rather than those who you are not able to serve fully the way they want (negative).
Jenny, another great post. Keep up the great work. xo~sg
Nice way to reframe it, Steph! When we relax our boundaries for others, we are letting go of a piece of ourselves, which means we can’t serve others to the best of our abilities. You’re right — when we honor them, we can serve fully, and that’s really how we want to be!
This is one of my favorite posts of yours. It’s so powerful and so necessary. Just reading this helps me feel like I have already crossed off 100 things on my to-do list! I’m curious how you say no to friends/family who ask for free things. I feel like this is where I get caught a lot! Thank you Jenny!