Let’s be honest: the internet offers plenty of opportunities to feel like shit.
Facebook proves that the cool kids from high school keep getting cooler.
You’re colleague’s email newsletter proclaims that she’s hit yet another income milestone in her business. You’re still trying to make enough to pay the bills.
The artist whose work you admire is being shown at that gallery. Yeah, the one you’re dying to be in.
And that selfless do-gooder you secretly stalk is on another trip to eradicate hunger.
As online business owners, it seems that no matter what we do, we can’t avoid the inevitable feel-like-shit moments that happen when we see what others are doing.
I hate those moments.
So I created an off switch so they almost don’t happen in my life. I’ll get to that in a minute.
First, I want to tell you some of my self-shaming top stories. Scenarios like these guarantee I’m on a quick trip to a feel-like-shit-storm.
The woman who declares that freedom and travel are more important than money, and I read it the day after celebrating having hit a major financial milestone in my business.
The business owner who says “quit your job and follow your passion” like it’s simple to do, when I was struggling to know if quitting my job was the right move for me.
The entrepreneur who dedicates several months a year and thousands of dollars to a nonprofit, when I’ve finally reached the point where I’m working reasonable hours and making enough to live comfortably.
The sexy twenty-something who says preaches that size doesn’t matter; inner beauty does. And I watch her video on the day I decide to finally get a haircut and put on some makeup.
Sometimes I have the luck of being able to look closer at stories like these, and I see interesting things. Such as…
The freedom woman makes multiple six figures a year. It’s easy to say freedom and travel are more important than money when you have plenty of money to make it happen.
It’s easy for the passion entrepreneur to quit her job to do whatever she wants when she has a husband who pays all the bills.
The do-gooder entrepreneur works her ass off to raise that money and take time off, and her trips “fills her up” like nothing else can.
And the sexy twenty-something, okay, she’s just hot 🙂
What I realize is that the internet only gives us part of the story. Blog posts, short videos, Facebook updates or Tweets only show us one side of a scenario.
Sure, the travel woman maybe does value freedom, and she created her business so she could have just enough money to do so.
The passion person really does follow her passions and if money isn’t an issue, lucky her.
The do-gooder entrepreneur didn’t start out doing good. She grew her business to the point where she could afford to take that next step.
But unless I become a private investigator and look into their lives, how am I to know the truth from a blog post or a tweet?
The answer is I can’t. So I don’t go there.
I stop the shaming before it spirals into a storm. Most of the time, anyway.
I don’t read stuff from people whose posts make me feel less-than. I don’t go down the rat hole of questioning whether I’m doing enough to change the world. I don’t question that I’ve chosen the right values for a noble life.
I don’t subscribe to things that bring up my shit. I avoid websites, people, and places that result in self-shaming. And I recommend you do the same.
And when it does happen, I remind myself that I only know a slice of the scenario. There’s more behind the scenes.
If I’m worried about what the freedom woman, passion entrepreneur, or do-gooder thinks, I’m spending time in their business and not in mine. And that’s a waste of time.
So instead of comparing and despairing, instead of self-shaming, I keep my eyes on my life, my business, and my values.
That doesn’t mean I won’t travel or do-good; I do and I will. It just means I’ll do it on my own schedule and on my own terms. I’ll do it without being shamed into it. Because anything done with shame isn’t worth doing, no matter what it is.
If you’re like me and can hop the express train to shame by hanging out online, monitor your consumption, unsubscribe from newsletters that make you feel shit, and hide (or unfriend) people who make you feel less-than.
Because you’re not less-than. And anything that distracts you from the focus on your own life should be eliminated.
Stop shaming, and start focusing. On you. Because you’re amazing, just as you are. Tweet that!
Please share your thoughts in the comments. I’m positive you have something to share that we all can learn from.
So true Jenny. We shouldn’t compare our insides with other peoples outsides. It just isn’t an apple to apple comparison. Everyone has their “stuff”. Never think otherwise.
OMGarsh Lorna! We said the same thing! Great minds think alike!
You’re so right, Lorna! Insides =/ outsides!!
This is fabulous Jenny. I haven’t seen anyone else name this quite so clearly. Love it.
Thanks, Claire!
LOVED this, thank you.
I am the worst for doing this on facebook whenever I’m having a tricky time. “Look at those happy photos! Everyone else has their life totally figured out!”.
Yes! Never go onto Facebook when you’re having a bad day. It’s bound to make you feel worse!
Soooo true Jenny! Trouble with that is we too often compare their OUTSIDE with our INSIDE. We don’t know their story and how they came to their conclusions. Bottom line as in driving a car, we need to ‘stay in our lane’! BTW, your stuff is “high value” and I never miss an issue!! Keep doing YOU!
You got it – stay in your own lane, focused on yourself. That’s the best way to not stir up the otherwise inevitable!
Thank you for writing this Jenny. It’s a lesson I learned SUPER early on in my business. I currently only read one blog on a regular basis, and I’ve literally hidden dozens of business and personal pages from my facebook newsfeed.
The one good thing I have learned about comparison and shame is that it always shows me how much I still have to grow. Usually, If I’m seething jealous over something someone is doing, it’s usually something I want to do, but just “haven’t gotten around to yet”. It’s always a good wakeup call for me to jump into my next project!
Thanks for having the courage to share your shame points
I hear you on seeing other things people are doing resulting in jealousy and how it means we may want to do that, too! I definitely watch out for those — and always check my intuition. Sometimes those “want to do” things were from an earlier time and no longer apply. Those flashing lights of jealousy offer a good reminder to check in.
This is so great and true. For about 12 months I lived in compare and despair land. It was devastating for my business, my family, and me, personally. I literally melted into a pool of mush and didn’t think I would ever make my business dream work.
I had to just stop. Just stop and focus on my business and myself personally and I began to see progress- little by little. Step by Step. When I start to get sucked back into compare and despair, I tell myself JUST STOP, FOCUS ON YOU and what you can control! It doesn’t always work but it’s a start. Thanks for being so open.
I love that, Kendrick! Focusing on what you can control and letting go of the rest can be very powerful. Thanks for that!
I think we all start out so well in compare and despair mode 🙂 When we finally kick ourselves out of that phase and FOCUS, it’s amazing what we can begin to accomplish in our businesses! And you’re a fantastic example of this exact thing!!
Thanks so much for this post, Jenny! I think I really needed to hear it this week! Logically we often know this stuff but our emotions aren’t always in sync with that. It’s SO easy to get discouraged and feel we’ll never amount to anything when we see a slice of other people’s success.
Since I’m just getting started, I’ve subscribed to lots of newsletters to see what others are up to. Good for research, maybe not so good for feeling good about my work. I actually started unsubscribing to the ones that don’t resonate with me and my values earlier this week. And it really helps to know I’m not alone in this. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective!
Happy to serve as your reminder service, Stephanie 🙂 Be sure that the only newsletters you subscribe to for research are ones that (a) make you feel good most of the time and (b) are serving as research for something very specific that you need to learn right now.
When I first started as a coach I subscribed to everything for research, but 80% of it I wasn’t even ready for. Save your sanity and your inbox and unsubscribe. I give you permission!
I have to say I’m guilty of this too. When starting out in business, it’s all too easy to do this. But what we need to remember is that people are at different stages of their business journey so it’s not really logical to compare ourselves like this because it’s not actually relative. It still doesn’t make it any easier because our emotions are sometimes too hard to control.
Yes!!!! We can’t compare with everyone because we all started at different times and under different circumstances. Our brains will chose arbitrary comparison points (age, niche, etc), but none of that matters! (We’re so silly, aren’t we?!)
Jenny, what a beautiful post! I’ve been coming to the same realizations as of late. Personal development, self help, motivational and inspirational videos and articles… all of these can be great when they hit you just right. But then there are all of those times when you’re thinking “wow, that sounds awesome, but just how in the world can I do that?” and that makes you feel lost and frustrated and discouraged.
The one thing that has helped me the most is realizing that no one can hurt me without my consent. It’s not what they said that is hurting me – what they said may be helping others a lot. It’s my interpretation/perspective that is hurting me. By choosing not to be hurt, and by choosing to just let it go, I can release the tension.
I used to feel very guilty about planning the business end of my website. I had the most guilt around making price decisions. Shouldn’t I be coming from a place where I focus on what I can give others? And then I realized that I can’t fully come from a place of love without having at least some level of financial freedom. I realized that, the more time is being taken up by financial worries, the less time I have to make a difference in other people’s lives.
There’s always a way to look at it that will release your hurt. You just have to search for it. Thank you for this reminder, Jenny. You write so beautifully!
Thanks for sharing your story and personal experiences, Laura. It’s always helpful for us to hear what others have gone through — it helps each one of us learn and process on a deeper level for ourselves. It sounds like you have some solid strategies for dealing with the inevitable internet business shame, and I love how you know exactly what works for you. Thanks so much for sharing those here!
You write beautifully as well, Laura. I really like the way you framed your reply. There is much to consider in both Jenny Shih’s essay and fab comments like yours.
A friend once shared with me a mantra that follows the gist of what you wrote. It is, “Release the thought that does not serve you.”
I use it all the time, especially when heading in to a self-inflicted, self-destructive tailspin. Thanks to all who shared and to Jenny for getting the conversation started!
This hit home for me Jenny – I literally just started trying to pull myself out of crazyland so to speak…I was constantly comparing myself to people who have had their businesses way longer than I’ve had mines and I wonder why they are so far ahead…well duhhh they’ve been in business for 5-10 years longer than I have. It’s one of those things that can certainly hold us way back. Thanks for clearly putting it out there without any sugarcoat 🙂
Now that’s just not being fair to yourself, Stephanie! Comparing yourself with people in business 5-10 years is a setup!! 🙂 Come back to earth and own your kick-ass skills — cuz I know you’ve got ’em!!
Thanks Jenny – I’m focused…I’ve got my blinders on and I’m just going!
Yay!!
I loved this one. It validates what I have been up to lately, pulling in, unsubscribing, choosing to not engage in anything other than what is already here for me. Thanks!
Excellent!
Jenny,
You hit the nail on the head with this one! I too struggled with this for a LONG time – but after peeking behind the curtain, you start seeing the real truth. Making in-person/one-one-one connections has been a greater focus for me over the last year rather than virtual connections.
Unsubscribing and hiding feeds have done wonders for my esteem — clearing out the digital clutter feels just as good as cleaning out my closet.
Another trick I use? I installed the “Stay Focused” extension for Chrome – it prevents me from even accessing Facebook or Twitter during the hours I specify. No more shame rabbit hole!
Good for you, Michelle! So happy to hear you focusing on the genius you are (and I mean that!!). Unsubscribing is the best thing ever 🙂
Smart on one “Stay Focused.” I’m going to have to remember that one!
Nice to see your smiling face and your rockin’ new pic here!
Tell it woman! Comparison is the thief of joy. We never really see the insides or the underbelly. We rarely see the whole truth!
And for those who have gone BIG, or made it, we weren’t privy to their before! It looks like they made it overnight, and we just never saw the pre-hit-it-big-journey.
Thanks for the reminder and post worth sharing!
We totally don’t know what it was like before someone got famous enough to be noticed! How they struggled, where they faltered, mistakes they made…. we only see the pretty, successful side — and that’s just one side!
Yes! We need to keep hearing these reminders. Your words are refreshingly honest and much appreciated. Thanks, Jenny.
Thanks, Adrianne!
Thanks so much for this article Jenny – you’ve articulated exactly what I’ve been doing and feeling lately. I am going to start focusing… Especially no more fb surfing or personal email checking during the hours I’m supposed to be developing my own business! I’m going to keep my eyes on my life, my business and my values, as you say (great line!).
Sounds like an excellent strategy, Sarah! Way to go!
This is JUST what I needed to read today. It’s so true that blogs/websites only tell us part of the story. I love your strategies for dealing with self-shaming– we all need them. Best, Elizabeth
Glad it helped, Elizabeth! Go put some of these ideas into action asap for yourself, and go take on the world with your business!
Jenny, you always write great stuff, but this one is a top 10 for me! We all have our special thing to give and the comparison game just distracts us from what we need to be doing to get our stuff out there. Thanks for naming it straight out!
Thanks, Hanna! That means a lot!
You’re right, the comparison game is a major distraction. In “coach speak,” the payoff for playing the compare and despair game is that we don’t actually have to work on our businesses! Doh! So let’s cut out that game and focus on ourselves and our great work!
Hi Jenny!
Thanks so much! I have unsubscribed for almost everything, but your messages and a few other messages from people who do provide a ton of value to my life 🙂
Another way that I have stopped the shaming is that I hid a few people from my Facebook News Feed. I didn’t remove them as a friend… just from seeing their posts. This has helped me focus on what matters most and not concern myself with what others are up to. I’m very happy for my friends who are doing well, it’s awesome! And sometimes, I’ll send them a lil’ loving message. Just at the point where I am at in the growth of my business, I want to stay focused on what I must do to grow~
If you don’t know how… you can unsubscribe from friends’ posts by clicking the arrow beside their update and clicking ‘hide.’
To Your BRIGHT-Ness!
Namaste, always,
Lara <3
Thanks for sharing that Facebook hiding tip. I use that one more than I’d like to admit. Great to have that here in case someone doesn’t know how to do it — it’s important to know! I’m so glad that you employed that strategy in your life because it can make so much of a difference!
Thanks Jenny! 🙂 <3
Someone once described it this way (though I can’t for the life of me remember who!)
“Don’t compare someone’s highlight reel with your raw footage.”
(although I do, on occasion, find highlight reels incredibly inspiring + motivating…but, I always keep that quote in mind when all it does is make me feel like shit!)
Great post! 🙂
Love that, Erin!!!! “Don’t compare someone’s highlight reel with your raw footage.”
Genius! (like you!)
You hit the nail on the head with this one! Thank you for being so forthright… so HONEST! Never compare your insides to some else’s outsides. Yup. My perfect, beautiful life unfolds in it’s own time… in its own way. This was exactly what I needed to hear today.
So happy it got you where you needed it today, Missy!
Such a great post Jenny! It’s so easy to get caught in a shame spiral! I’m guilty 🙂
Now that you know you’re guilty, you’ve got strategies to handle it. I’ve got you covered, so now you can go out into the world and do fantastic things!
Thanks so much Jenny,
It makes me realise I am not the only one who feels like this!
I hardly ever go onto Facebook due to the emotions I feel just by reading for 5min…crazy!
Sharon:)
You are definitely not alone! 🙂
This is so spot-on. As a recent grad who hasn’t had nearly as much time to focus on her business during the school year as she’d like and is struggling to make ends meet, I’ve been feeling a boatload of shame over my decision to take a part-time job at a local grocery store and continue build my business in the meantime (while being able to, you know, pay rent without going into credit-card debt). I’ve gotten some interesting reactions from certain people that have just sent me down the shit storm spiral of self-doubt and shame. This one is getting bookmarked…what is the point of spending time in their business and dreams and aspirations and ignoring mine?
AMEN sister. A-friggin-men.
You have to make the right decision for you, Kait. I don’t do credit card debt, either, so I can totally understand your situation. Other people are fine putting expenses on cc’s and that’s their choice — and it’s okay, too! We all are the best authorities on ourselves. Kudos for you for doing what you needed to for you!!
Nice to have you here!
Kait, love your comment so much! Just want to say something about taking your second job that I learned from my mastermind (full of amazing women who open my eyes to so much — if you’re not part of one yet, get one! Jenny wrote a great post about it too. I think it may have been her 6 figure one) ANYWAY, there is absolutely NO shame in having a side gig until your ‘real’ gig self-supports (even if that takes years). You are being a smart resourceful woman and that takes a lot of guts. Good for you!
Jenny, fantastic post. I have so been here and your advice is great.
I also remind myself that my life is about progress not perfection and also that I want to collaborate and not compete.
Another amazing thing I heard this week was that we should only get close enough to another person so that we are at a point we can accept them. So if that means never seeing them again then that’s the thing to do. I loved this and it really fits with what you have shared.
Yes — life is about progress, not perfection. Great words to live by!
Great post Jenny. I think it was Theodore Roosevelt who said ‘comparison is the thief of joy.” I know for me the most compelling and meaningful posts (like yours today) are the ones that share their humanness authentically, yes their successes, strategies and tips, and also the ups and downs that brought them there. So thanks and hears to your many amazing successes!
Thanks so much, Tracy!!
When those icky feelings come up, I put my hand on my heart and affirm, “Good things are happening to me too” or “My lucky break is just around the corner”.
When I focus off them and back on my own ability to receive, something good usually happens within a few days.
Great approach, Denise! Thanks for sharing that here!
Love this, Jenny. Another thing I’m working on doing totally and completely is only surrounding myself with people who lift me up. I’m firing all of my unsupportive or energy vampire acquaintances (much like hiding facebook pages and unsubscribing from newsletters) and putting my energy into those who ‘get me’ and where my big dreams want to go.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Fire them!! Fast!
Great post. The ones that do my head in – and still do! – are the “I made half a million pounds in 6 months!”. Because then I’m thinking – well I’m smart, so how come I never figured out how to that in my 1st 6 months?! And then I think, well maybe it wasn’t their 1st 6 months. Maybe it was their 10th 6 months and actually they’ve been going for 5 years. But ultimately, who cares as long as you’re doing your thing as best you can? That’s all we have really, isn’t it?
You never really can know the full backstory, just like you explained. So you’re right, who cares as long as you’re doing your best! That is all we can ask of ourselves. Bravo, Tracy!
Hi Jenny
Thanks SO much for posting that. This is literally the 2nd or 3rd time I’ve commented on anything in the last 3 years of starting my business because it seriously resonated with me. So much of what you say does, and yet I’m a member of too many heart centred business sites, gettting bombarded with emails, and always wading in ‘shitty’ waters, feeling less-than, living off a credit card, in the mode of overwhelm and almost 40, living in a basement apt. so i can try and live my dream to give back to the world and make it better. I know there are many others who can related though sometimes online we feel alone and like everybody’s making it but us. Gulp. it hurts sometimes, so thanks for that gentle reminder as on a saturday night, with coffee in hand, i read your blog and remember that i just have to keep moving ahead and stay true to my path
xx peace,
juana
Thanks so much for sharing that here, Juana. I love that you’re doing what you need to do to live your dream. We all deserve that, and sometimes we have to do things our own way to get there. Don’t let anyone else ever make you feel less than because I believe that if you believe you’re here to do something for the world, you are, and nothing should stop you!
I really enjoyed reading your post. So timely too. I was thinking about the same thing yesterday and realized how much further from my true self and how much inadequate I felt with all the information of what so and so is doing out there.
Before I discovered Facebook I was more decisive, making mistakes was just a learning process. After facebook I started to be more cautious with what I chose to do, less certain. NO MORE, I am focusing on my own stuff and like you said it will happen in due time. Now it is just not the right time, there is some other work being done within me to prepare for the great stuff ahead.
Also thank you for mentioning unfriending some people. I do that but never really expressed it because I thought I was being childish but the reality is that I didn’t want the negative energy that comes with those “friends” and don’t forget the “creepers” lol.
You’ve made a subscriber out of me. I want to read more of that real from the heart down to earth stuff.
cheers!
Thanks for being here, Webly! It can be childish to unfriend people or it can be totally “adult,” as it depends on your approach. If you’re doing it to “sic it to ’em,” that’s childish. If you’re doing it to manage your energetic inputs and keep away things that hold you back from being yourself, it’s fully adult (and I know that’s what YOU are doing!). Take care of you so you can take care of the world!! xo
Thank you for sharing Jenny. This is a very refreshing perspective.
I got to this because I Googled “Jenny Shih, compare yourself”. I wanted to see if you had written about this. I have been feeling overwhelmed lately by 1. How much I have to do. 2. Thinking about others who are years (and decades!) ahead. I am normally so good at not doing 2 — I normally have LASER focus on where I am going. But sometimes I slip, and sometimes others compare you to someone… “You mean you want to do this? Oh, like (Insert name of someone else). Ugh. No. Not LIKE X. I am not LIKE anyone else. It is just one of those days, but I am def getting back on track to FOCUSing on myself. Thanks for writing this though. We never know the full story.
Some people are SO good at making it look easy, breezy, I just worked hard and it came. But when you are actually building a business you know it’s a shit storm. As someone who prefers authenticity, I want to always remain honest with people about how HARD this journey is.
Yes, this is a hard journey but so alluring to believe it’s easy. The truth is, this is hard. The reality is, this is hard. And also, that’s okay.
I’m working on a new free workshop that I’ll be offering in March to help simplify the OVERWHELM that comes with starting and growing a business. Keep your eyes peeled, as I think it will help you with all the things you need to do (because it is a lot, I get it!).
Cheering you on through the overwhelm and the comparisonitis!