I’m a sucker for a woman with a big dream, ready to make her visions a reality. There’s nothing more fun than swooping in, crafting a plan, brainstorming, troubleshooting, and ushering her toward the door of success. I’ve certainly found my sweet spot.
But I wasn’t always so clear. And even today, in other areas of my life, a veil keeps me from seeing my dreams with crystal clarity.
Not knowing what you want can be scary, though it’s inevitable we’ll all land there at times throughout our lives. The good news is that we usually find clarity and can clearly see what we want.
But some women face an even more damaging problem: they know what they want but are too afraid to admit it. Or, as was the case of one former client, they forget their desires completely.
And that’s the most devastating place of all, because it silently kills your biggest dreams, and you don’t even realize it.
Today you’ll learn how to fearlessly claim your dreams and take action toward what you want — so that you can experience success beyond your wildest dreams.
The Fear of Claiming Your Dreams
Years ago, I was a life coach helping professional women escape jobs they hated and find new careers they adored. Since I’d taken the leap from corporate America to entrepreneurship, I figured I was the woman to lead them.
A client (I’ll call her Lauren) was ready to figure out for her “next thing.” We were excited to work together, and I was eager to learn what kind of life she wanted to create.
Lauren was tired of her well-paying, high-achieving, 60 hour a week career. The money was great, but the job was far from fulfilling. She wanted to head in a new direction.
“What do you think you’d like to do?” I asked her.
There was a massive pause, and finally, “… I don’t know.”
I was used to this, so I asked Lauren a question to help her dig a little deeper:
“What’s something you’ve wanted since you were young? What dream did you have before an adult told you shouldn’t have it?”
There was another long silence. Then, with a gasp, Lauren announced all in a rush, “I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and live in a small house in the country.”
Before I could even encourage her to tell me more, dive in deeper, or explore her dream, she was talking rapidly again. “That’s impossible! We have a mortgage! My kids are in private school! I can’t expect my whole family to just up and move! And also…”
She had a mile-long list of reasons why she couldn’t have what she wanted. What made the whole thing even harder to hear was that her explanatory laundry list was interwoven with all the reasons why she’d be happiest as a stay-at-home mom living away from the city.
What happened next? We scheduled a follow-up session, but she didn’t show up and I never heard from her again.
Click to TweetDo your big dreams scare you? Fearlessly claim what you want with help from Jenny Shih.Why We’re So Afraid to Admit What We Want
Knowing something needs to change is often the easy part. It’s admitting what needs to change that frightens us.
Why? Because claiming our desires means we might have to act on these big ideas. And that presents the risk of failure. Embarrassment. Or maybe most frightening of all… success beyond our wildest dreams.
Dropping the familiar — whether it pays the bills or simply means not rocking the boat — to follow those deep-rooted desires is downright scary.
But while potentially falling flat on your face and making mistakes can sting, that burn is nowhere near as painful as leaving your dreams on the shelf, untouched.
However, the desire for change doesn’t mean you must turn your life upside down and cross the finish line at breakneck speed.
Lauren assumed that admitting she wanted to be a country housewife meant I’d push her to pack up and leave tomorrow. It’s possible that if we dove into her dream of being a stay-at-home mom in the country that we’d have uncovered something that looked slightly different.
But because she wasn’t willing to dive in and discover what she really wanted, she’ll never know. This is what happens when we let the first whiff of a dream scare us away.
Even if Lauren really did want that life in the country, we could have worked her there slowly, at a pace that she felt comfortable with. It could have taken a few years, if need be.
Unfortunately, since she was too afraid to start her journey towards her dream, she robbed herself of all the amazing possibilities that path could have led her toward.
This doesn’t have to be you.
How to Be Fearlessly Clear
Sure, it’s scary to admit what we want. But it’s far more painful to live a life of untapped dreams. So how do you start down this terrifying path?
Stop saying you don’t know what you want.
If you know what you want, awesome. If you don’t, that’s okay. Simply start admitting that you’re ready for something new.
Dive in deeper.
If you’re not sure exactly what you want, keep asking. Dive under the surface. Ask questions. Keep going. Be relentless.
If you know what you want, also dive in. Uncover the texture, feeling, and nuances of your dreams and desires.
Own it.
When you’re crystal clear on exactly what you want, own it. Claim it. Speak it. Tell the world.
It’s okay if it’s scary. (That’s normal.)
Make slow and steady progress towards your dreams.
It may have taken Lauren 3 years to have her country house. The timing doesn’t matter. If you’re honoring your heart’s call, you’ll inevitably end up where you want to be.
Let your deep knowing fuel your journey, and you’ll be amazed by the reality you can create.
You are worthy of your deepest desires.
The Biggest Reason to Follow Your Need for Change
You deserve to have the life, business, income, and freedom you want.
Don’t hide the truth from yourself like Lauren did. Don’t ignore it, saying you don’t know what you want just because the thing you want feels impossible or inappropriate. Because slamming the door to your dream means locking up the power of your life and your potential.
Even if it scares you or makes you doubt yourself… truth is a mighty engine. Have the courage to step forward and learn what’s possible for you. Even slow n’ steady progress is still progress.
Give your dreams time to unfold — you’ve earned the right. Stay strong. Honor your desires. Keep your eyes on the prize. Step forward steadily.
You deserve it.
Now Tell Me…
What dream are you ready to own up to?
What small, itty bitty, teeny tiny step can you take today to move yourself toward making it happen?
I can’t wait to hear to hear your big dreams in the comments below!
Jenny, this totally resonated with me today. I’m at a weird stage in my life where I thought I knew what my passions were and the kind of business I wanted and was working towards slowly building it while I still had a full time job as I was planning my move to Sydney, Australia (from New Jersey) so that I could be with my boyfriend after a year and a half of long distance. Then my personal life took a big hit when I lost not one but both of my parents this year, and was left in charge of executing their estate, selling their house, and moving their dog (now my dog) over to Australia before I left to go to Australia too. I spent months just going through all their stuff and getting rid of everything, as well as packing up everything I have and chucking the rest (I’m 29, never lived outside of NJ, and left nothing behind there except my condo which is currently on the market. I left nothing in storage).
The last few months leading up to my move were the most painful and most stressful of my entire life. No ugly corporate deadlines I ever had even compared to what it was like.
Now that the storm has passed, I’ve been in Australia for 3 weeks. While I absolutely LOVE it here in Sydney, I’ve just been relaxing, writing, getting myself settled, and mostly just trying to allow myself to experience some calm after these last few months.
The thing is, I feel like I’ve just been through a war, and all I want is to do nothing. I’m not jumping up and down and looking for clients or marketing myself, because quite frankly I don’t even know if I want to do that anymore. These days all I mainly do is walk around my new city, carrying my journal and notebook, and writing on various things (mainly personal but also my blog posts which I do update). I have no strategy and no clear vision as to what I’m doing.
I never thought I’d say or write this, but there’s actually nothing I want more than to be a stay at home (girlfriend?). I’ve been enjoying cooking most nights before my boyfriend gets home from work, doing laundry and really just having no one to answer to or having to rush to go anywhere or do anything. And after years of insomnia, I’m even sleeping well on a consistent basis (and sleep just makes a day MAGICAL).
But it’s terrifying for me to admit this to him. While I am living off the savings I have (I’m not making much of an income these days) and I’m supporting myself financially 100%, it’s not sustainable from a long term level, and I know that my boyfriend definitely wants me to work and have income in the long-term and he has no interest in supporting me.
I don’t know if not wanting to work is just a temporary feeling, but knowing and thinking about the fact that I can’t just sit around forever is tainting my enjoyment of the present calm just a bit. And I still do want to have my own business, but now I’m completely unclear as to how or what kind. All I know is that I want a business that supports me financially without driving me nuts.
So thank you for posting this, and allowing me to write and release some of my current thoughts now at this moment when I really need to.
Wow Nancy, thank you for sharing your story. It seems to me that where you are it is perfect for right now. It may not last forever, but it’s so important for you to have space after all that you have been through. I too had a big change in my life a few years ago where I left a 9 year relationship and the city I had lived in for 11 years. I run my own business too, and I wanted to do lots of nothing, and really thought that maybe I had lost my creativity and any excitement for my work. It took time, but I finally landed in a place where I feel excited again and more balanced all around. It was so good for me to take time doing nothing and to just be. I wish you all the best as you walk your path.
So brave of you to share this, Nancy, and to admit to yourself what you want.
Something to also remember is that just because that feels right now doesn’t mean you’ll only always do that. Who knows — you could just need some serious down time after all you’ve been through!
Take care of yourself, rest up, and kudos for being so honest!
Nancy,
My husband and I made a big move last year — from Canada to France — for his work and in doing so I left my job behind, with no clear idea of what would come next. I did the stay-at-home wife thing (we don’t have kids) for a few months while I got my work visa and “looked for work.” Honestly for the first 3-4 months, I actually truly enjoyed being unemployed and cooking, taking care of him and myself, going for long bike rides, exploring my our new city, settling into France, etc. It was such a nice break for my mind not to be getting up at 6am, commuting over an hour to a job that was only ok, trying desperately to find the time to do errands, cooking, etc. around the edges.
But around about the 4 month mark I started getting restless, feeling like I was losing myself a little bit because I didn’t feel I was contributing much of value to the world, and that was important to me. I knew I had talents and knowledge I wanted to share! And that’s when I started to really consider entrepreneurship, found Jenny, signed up for Marie Forleo’s BSchool and now I’m nearly 4 months into working for myself and I LOVE it. It feels right. And I don’t think I ever would have gotten on this path at this stage in my life without the move, and the subsequent 3-4 months of brain-rest. Seriously.
I’m telling you this because I really think for me, it was perfect timing and 100% the right thing to be just sort of kicking around for those first few months.
So enjoy it! I have a feeling that the next thing will reveal itself to you when it’s time : )
Oh, I feel this one. One of the most painful things in my life has been not knowing what I want in life. It’s been this nagging, gnawing feeling at every corner. One of the things I learned to do was to identify the things I DIDN’T want, and that helped me start being clear on what I DO want. Each day I keep uncovering more and getting clear, but you’re right – it’s hard and takes some courage to face it. Thanks for a great article!
I can relate to that, Martine! For me it can be really hard to know what I want sometimes, but it’s been fun to strengthen that muscle 🙂
I want to be an artist. A drawer. With pen and pencil. I have told myself a million billion times that pen and pencil “is not real art” so I shove it down. Diminishing it. Crushing my own love. I haven’t been ready to own this till extremely recently (we’re talking less than a week). I have finally started to commit 15 min a day 5-6 days a week to drawing. To just giving myself the space, the consistency and permission to just do what I love. Figure drawing.
thanks for asking. It feels good to talk about it Jenny. 🙂 I enjoy your work, thank you for all that you do.
Own it, Tracy!! Woohoo!!
Tracy…..Pen and pencil not real art? Tell that to MC Escher. Explore and have fun with it. Who know what it’ll create for you.
oh Jenny, thank you so much for this post today! It has taken me years of soul searching, therapy, beating myself up and being unhappy to figure this stuff out. How I wish I’d had a coach like you 10 yrs ago! But sometimes the discomfort of figuring it out really crystalizes it – at least it did for me.
My dream has always been to use my creative talents to help and inspire other people. I actually went to art school when I graduated HS. At 18 I was on the right track for this dream but I let fear, poor self-esteem, society, and misguided responsibility convince me that I just needed to take a corporate job and otherwise limit the role of creativity in my life.
I’ll be 40 in exactly one month and I’m proud to say that I’m working on my dream now with my business. It’s taking time to chip away at the nearly 20 yrs of “structure” that I have created (gotta pay the mortgage and unlearn some of those misguided notions!) but I am definitely taking baby steps toward my dreams. And I am grateful that Jenny and some of the other online coaches/entrepreneurs that I follow (I’m a B-Schooler too!) help me keep my eyes on the prize. 🙂
Awesome, Stephanie! Thrilled to hear you’re going for what you want!!
Jenny, I can’t tell you how much this resonated with me – personally, and on behalf of my clients. It has given me a kick in the backside which I welcome and need.
Thank you for calling out what so many of us need to hear – and face.
Sandra
Hi Babes!
(I´m a B-Schooler too 😉
I believe that we need some time and space for ourself to get our power back after life was so turbulent. So Nancy, take your time.
What I found out in 43 years is that sometimes we make the mistake in searching what we want by looking what we want to HAVE (a little house in the countryside or at the sea, lots of money, successful business etc.).
Much better is to look what we want to BE (when we will have all this stuff)!
Most of the times we want to BE relaxed, free, creative, helpful and so on.
If we start to step into this state of being (before we will have or own it) life becomes more fulfilled and easy.
And we recognize it´s not the thing we need to have – it´s the state of being we are dreaming of. This can be realized by many other options than the ones above (money, house).
Hope you got me and my German accent?!
Love, Ines
Love that reframe, Ines! When we have all of that, how will we feel? Who will we be?
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for this article and for your Comments – it hits mé perfectly Right where I am now. The place is painful but there is (e)motions and things have to change. I had a wake up Call for some weeks ago. I have been Working with myself since i was a Child and Then I meet this Woman WHO sees mé and tells mé how things Work with mé. She dares to tell the truth like no one Else ever have done (therapsts, coach, etc). I am strong and very self-consiciousness so been excellent to tell stories to Work for myself and my life choices. And excellent in sensing and looking through other people. Always been the talent, the guide, the inspiration, knowing everything. Now the time is for what i Want and what i need. Thanks.
Thanks, Jenny! Great post. It really hit home today. When I say “I don’t know”, it’s always because I’m afraid to admit something to myself or the asker. All the confusion just tells me I’m not being honest. “I don’t know” usually means I’m looking for a Sure Thing instead just of trying with the risk of it not working out. Since there’s pretty much No Such Thing as a Sure Thing, I just do what feels good in the gut at that moment and try to take some form of action – even if that action is not doing a Darn Thing and resting.:-)
Hi Jenny,
I’ve been a business owner for three and a half years. I’ve been doing fine – not amazing but fine. Bills were getting paid I had several great clients and got rid of some toxic ones. I’ve never been great at the business side of business and taxes last year killed me – over $12k that we had to pay in – luckily I had it in the bank but the last six months have been horrible for securing new clients. Contracts have ended and I’m down to one client. My husband and I are contemplating bankruptcy. We don’t have a huge amount of bills but what he makes doesn’t cover what we need. I’ve begun applying for jobs – even minimum wage jobs. I feel like I’ve completely lost my way and my mind. I’ve taken leaps backward in my company, self-esteem, and finances. I just want to write and help people with their business marketing. I’m trying not to wallow in self-pity but I’m there.
Hi Jenny. Did a you tube on my big dream. First…posted it in a group. Then on You Tube 🙂 Hugs…Karen